My name is CJ and I am an aging people-pleasing perfectionist. I have always been a people-pleasing perfectionist for as long as I can remember, but only recently am I experiencing how the journey of aging is affecting these character traits for me. I am a company president, I am a mom of two boys–one 16 and one 19, a young adult, really–I am a wife, friend, daughter, sister, aunt (not a very good one), child of God, dog mom (two mini-wiener dogs) and my own worst critic.

I am at a place in my life where I realize that I should be “coming into my own,” “starting my second chapter,” “releasing my inhibitions,” “feeling the rain on my skin,” (a la Natasha Bedingfield, iykyk) and I am dipping a toe in to what that journey looks like for me. It’s not that easy. I am normally a person who doesn’t live in the past and in most aspects of my life, this is true. I’m finding, however, that it is not that easy for me to relinquish the role of mother to younger children. Of course, I am being forced into it since I am a good mom and I know what’s best for my kids and that doesn’t involve stunting their growth in any significant way, at least on purpose. There is no decipherable way to stop the clock, hit the pause button (ha ha ha, fake laugh, as we do when we talk to other moms going through the same heartbreak).

I changed myself when I became a mom. I think most do, unless they are generally better, more giving, more patient, than I was in the beginning. Before I became a mom, I was brash and pushy and independent (as much as a lifelong, people-pleasing perfectionist can be). I liked myself. I was much braver than I am now. I thought there were days where I approached even being beautiful. I was able to be selfish. And now that they are growing up, I am expected to change back. To be brash and pushy and independent and selfish. To start that second chapter. To love myself and embrace what I want, no questions asked. Why is this so hard? Why do I not know what to embrace, what I am, who I am? I am a mom. But I can’t be sad all the time since my kids don’t need me much anymore … not really. So what’s next? 

That’s why I’m starting this blog. To machete my way out of this jungle of my lost self, or at least try to. I know I’m still a mom, and obviously I work a lot (sold my soul?) since I am a company president, I am a wife to my best friend … but who am I? Me? They say that you better love yourself because at the end of it all, you’re on your own. I’m trying to figure out who that is without all of the things that make me, me. Maybe this blog will help.