After returning from La Jolla on Monday, I have been working nonstop. I feel like my husband and I are going through a rough patch, where we are on different levels, different vibes, with different goals. I will admit, after the blow up I wrote about in the 10,000 Pound Gorilla, which we have never discussed between the two of us, I haven’t been his biggest fan and although I feel like I am working through it as well as can be expected, he obviously doesn’t.

Last night, he said that I am constantly interrupting him, not letting him finish a thought, shutting him down at every turn. I’m not meaning to do this but, in retrospect, I probably am doing this as a defense mechanism because I don’t trust what he’ll say to the kids, around the kids, at the kids. Me, I’m not scared of him, but my goal has always been a peaceful, safe home and I feel like our parenting styles and goals are at odds and always have been. I spent a large part of the kids’ childhood letting him be stricter and honestly ruder to them that I would have liked, but I also see some value in the strictness. It’s the rudeness and anger that comes out while being strict that I can’t stand, and it seems like these are inextricably linked with him. Long story short: I finally put my foot down too late and most of the damage in their relationship is done (as you could see in my previous post). Both kids avoid him most of the time and I hate that this is how they feel about their dad.

And yes, I’ve contemplated leaving him, but the problem is that I love him and he is a good person and he tries to be a good dad; he doesn’t hear himself. He never stops himself. He rarely apologizes. But he is my partner and he is a good, reliable dad. He’s just not often nice to them. He’s too busy talking down to them or telling them what they are doing is wrong. I know he sees this as parenting … his dad was an absent alcoholic and his mom did her best … but he doesn’t understand that there is more to it.

So, yes, I’m sure I am interrupting him and not letting him finish his sentences, and I feel bad about that when it is in regard to silly, day-to-day things. What we are having for dinner is what caused him to get mad at me last night because I cut him off when he was listing off options. But I don’t feel bad when I am protecting my kids from his forked tongue. I have a feeling that fight is just around the bend and it’s going to be a doozy. I feel like he thinks he put in his 18 years and is annoyed that our kids will need us beyond that time, even though that is the exact reason he really doesn’t get along with his parents (they are very selfish) and why he loves mine to pieces (because they are not selfish at all).

I value peace. I’ve always wanted to leave in a peaceful, safe house, and yet I am constantly surrounded by the testosterone drama that fills these walls day in and day out from all three of them. I’m just waiting for the next blow up. I wonder when this will end.